I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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