The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
