I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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