Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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