If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
