Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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