i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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