Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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