Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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