Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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