those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
