what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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