i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
