Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
