Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I'm really busy with my period
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