i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
