i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Is it penis luge time yet?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
