I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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