I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
