she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I believe in your delicious
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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