do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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