I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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