can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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