How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
and she was petting her beer can
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
