and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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