he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
