she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
