my phone needs a breathalizer
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
