Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
