Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
