my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
