I smell stomach acid.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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