Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
