If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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