saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize