we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
