Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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