he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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