I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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