mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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