my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
