just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
