So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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