I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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