i will never coherently bang her
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
