in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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