my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize