I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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