I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
