he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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