I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
