Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
