My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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