Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize