Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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