Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
