just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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