the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize