Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
